I Hurt My Child in Anger – What Do I Do?

Jun 22

I Hurt My Child in Anger – What Do I Do?

I feel for you. Really I do, and I’ve been there too. I remember it like it was yesterday – as well as the shock and the shame.

I was 8 months pregnant at the time and my 3-year-old whom we later discovered has serious amounts of ADHD was bouncing up and down like crazy as I was taking her hand to bring her up to bed. She was screaming and protesting – certain that it was NOT her bedtime. Let’s just say that parenting was not going smoothly that day.

I’m sure she was overtired and had probably had too much sugar that day – she was just being a wild child.

And then she bit me. Right in the stomach. My big round stomach which was super sensitive from carrying an oversize baby.

I SLAPPED HER.

Right across her cheek. It was like a knee jerk reaction, as if I had no control over it. I didn’t even blink an eye.

Then the shock… and the tears….

Not just hers. Mine. Big wet hot tears.

I had hurt my child in anger. How could I do that? How could this happen? I coddled her and held her, and we cried together.

Now it’s not as though I had never struck anyone before. I didn’t grow up in a bubble. And was not without martial arts skills, as certain boys in the school yard soon found out. I am not a violent person, though the world itself can be.

But this was my dear 3-year-old, and it was my moral duty to protect her and teach her right from wrong. If I didn’t correct this action of mine right away she may well grow up with the ingrained image that it’s alright to strike to get her way…

…or to be struck to win her compliance – the type of early learning experience that can lead to grown women being submissive to brutal marital assaults.

No way this is going to happen on my watch!!!

So when I say that I feel for you I mean it. I really and truly feel your pain – because it’s real.

What solutions have I found for anger management for parents? Here’s what I came up from my trials and errors.

Anger Management for Parents

1. Observe Yourself

Take out a notebook and record every time you get angry or frustrated at your kids. Record the following:

· The time of day

· The full situation of what lead up to your anger

· How angry you felt on a scale of one to ten

· What you did – either out of anger, or to calm yourself

☞ If you like this post, you will love: I Had a Bad Day Today - How to Stay Calm with the Kids

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2. Try to Find a Pattern

Parenting can be seriously challenging and there are plenty of situations that can get you aggravated, but see if you can find a pattern among the situations that make you the most upset.

Is it when your kids fight? When they make a mess? Or maybe the sassy back talk and disrespect? Or when you urgently need to get out the door on time?

When you track the circumstances that cause your anger to flare up, you will likely discover a pattern to the madness.

Quote Block — “what are you telling yourself at the exact moment you get anger?”

The mess the kids left. (I know – I also can’t stand a mess!)

Perhaps the kids fighting again…. and again…..

Or after you’ve had an argument with your spouse, or your mother?

Or often simply after a tough day at work.

3. Catch the Inner Dialogue

What are you telling yourself at that exact moment as you get angry?

‘Kids shouldn’t disrespect their parents like that!’

‘I can’t handle this distressing situation right now!’

‘My kids are monsters - I’m a terrible mother!’

There’s always a very quick inner dialogue that dictates how you feel about any given situation – and that’s what you want to try and discover. That’s the key to changing your angry pattern: what exactly sets you off, and what is it that you do that is harmful to both you and your child.

☞ If you like this post, you will love: Angry Child: Here’s How to Tame the Outbursts

4. Find Your Subconscious Mind Belief

From what I have learned, both from years of research and personal experience, is the reason so many people struggle over and over again with anger management issues, is that they are not getting to the root of the problem.

Yes, you can take an anger management course that teaches you how to breathe deep and count to ten – but it doesn’t get to the root causes of why you are angry in the first place.

You get angry because you have an inner dialogue (that constant chatter) – and those thoughts then create emotions based on strongly held inner beliefs, beliefs that you have likely developed over a lifetime which now reside deep inside. But when you look around you and see that for no fault of your own the reality no longer lives up to those beliefs. Your blood boils.

For example: If you grew up with a belief that was instilled from childhood that your home represents who you are to the world. It’s your calling card. Your beautifully kept home says to the world that you are a beautiful and put-together person. But right now your home is a mess, a real mess, and this screams out loud that you’re a mess as a person. (I know mothers who believe this deep down.)

Then just as you’re expecting guests any minute, you walk into the living room and your kids have made a humongous disaster that will take an hour to clean up.

That’s it! You’ve lost it!

Now anyone might lose it with guests arriving and a mess in the living room – but such a person is going to lose it in a far worse way than someone who doesn’t have this pre-set subconscious belief.

Because after all – kids are kids and sometimes they make messes (so do we). And personally, after chastising my kids and getting them to start cleaning up – I would laugh it off with my guests.

For a true example of reworking the subconscious mind that I did with one of my clients – see my post What Anger Management Coaching Looks Like for You.

5. Work on Having Patience

Quite often the main reason we get angry is due to our lack of patience. Lack of patience for the kids to get out the door, to settle down to dinner, to do their homework and chores, and even a lack of patience for them to mature a little (or a lot! LOL).

A little bit of patience will always go a long way in parenting.

Take free parenting class Patience

6. Learn More About Anger Management for Parents & Solutions

I hurt my child in anger – and I vowed never to do it again.

I’ve made it my life mission to discover how to change that knee jerk anger reaction that’s inside of me – cuz I never ever again want to feel that I hurt my child in anger.

And I’ve found solutions.

Tools and techniques that completely rewire how you look at the exact same situations that you go through every day.

I invite you to join me on this journey – an ‘anger free’ journey to parenting with love, patience and self-control.

7. Get an Anger Management Coach

This above is the formula that I use with my clients when we do one-one-one anger management coaching.

I help you delve deep into your subconscious mind and help to rewire your knee jerk reactions. I help you to change the subconscious core beliefs that are negatively impacting your life and your parenting.

Together we make an action plan that is catered to you and your family. Feel free to reach out for a 15-minute consultation. I would be honored to be a part of your journey.

☞ If you like this post, you will love: What Anger Management Coaching Looks Like for You

The Part of Parenting We’re Too Embarrassed to Talk About

Wendy Bradford writes ever so candidly in her article The Part of Parenting We’re Too Embarrassed to Talk About:

‘Occasionally a post circulates the internet in which the author describes witnessing a mother in the midst of a public tirade against her child.. she may have screamed… or slapped her child’s face. She may have threatened to hurt him.

‘Everyone watched her lose it.

“Someone should have come to that child’s rescue.”

“There are so many people who can’t have children, what a shame this woman had a child.”

‘I don’t personally know any mother I’ve read about in these posts…. But I’ve also been that mother in public. I have shrieked at my three children in a voice that doesn’t sound like my own. I have scared them…

‘Rage in parenting is not something we talk about…. I am enthusiastically, oddly willing to talk about parenting rage. Where it comes from and how prevalent it is in mothering young children….

Parenting can be both tough and a joy. Anger is not something that happens only to you. The question you need to ask yourself now is how you will deal with it.

What is your next step?

Remember that your kids are watching you. However you choose to deal with life’s challenges is how they are likely to follow in your footsteps.

☞ If you like this post, you will love: Personal Development for Parents

Parenting can be both tough and a joy. Anger is not something that happens only to you. The question you need to ask yourself now is how you will deal with it.