How to build confidence in children that will last a lifetime
How to build confidence in children that will last a lifetime?
Confidence is built up ‘one experience of success at a time’ – not because people may praise you or tell you how well you’ve done, though that doesn’t hurt – but because you have accomplished something you can be proud of. That accomplishment is the great confidence builder, and it will spur you to go out and tackle the world, or at least some portion of it.
Just watch a baby taking his first unassisted steps. As a 13-month old he’s certainly capable, but until he actually takes those first steps and sees that he’s done it, he will continue feeling that this stand up thing just isn’t for him. But one day he is amazed to see that he made it across more than a few steps of the living room floor.
Now watch that face beam as he does it again and again. He’s off and practically running now, giggling all the way. Can’t imagine that he will ever lose that confidence now, right?
When you first begin anything that requires some degree of learning, you’re not likely to have great confidence until you can prove to yourself that you can do it. Then that powerful rush called success takes over, like the first time you learned how to use apps.
The same thrill when you learned to ride a bike, bake a cake, ski downhill, or close that business deal.
Success literally breeds success.
Even a small success can be used as a steppingstone to another success. But be careful of failure, how you handle it, as it often sets up a cycle so damaging to confidence that it really is hard to get back up on that horse again – don’t think anyone needs to explain the appropriateness of that metaphor.
Of course not just the task at hand is affected, as failure rapidly leads to low self-esteem in children.
So the question is, in your parenting how do you help your kids to more readily experience that rush called success, at no matter what they are trying to accomplish, and to keep at it again and again if at first they don’t succeed. And that latter statement is most important because if they are acing everything on the first try, that should be an indication that they are just not challenging themselves enough.
How to Build Confidence in Children
1. Point Out Successes
Very often you notice your failures, but you don’t even notice your successes. You might feel like you didn’t do it well enough, or it took too long for it to be a success. Maybe some of what follows might be of benefit to you as well.
So start by assuming that your kids really don’t notice their own successes.
A few examples where perception can be changed so they can look on the bright side:
‘I still didn’t manage an A on my math test.’
Response to encourage seeing the success: ‘You got a 75% on your math test! That’s 5% more than on the last test!’
‘I didn’t get a single basket the whole game.’
Response to encourage seeing the success: ‘You got more than 10 assists! That means you are playing as a team player. You see exactly who is open and who can get the basket for the team!
2. Don’t Jump in to Rescue
I get it! You want to protect your child. You want to help him, and you certainly don’t want anything to be too hard for him.
But!
A caterpillar needs to use his wings to break out of his cocoon. If you do the work for him and release him from his cocoon, he’ll never be able to fly, never become a beautiful butterfly!
Same thing in parenting. Your child needs to struggle a little. He needs to work hard, exert himself and then see the success of his labor.
Let him. Don’t coddle him unnecessarily. Watch - you’ll soon see him blossom and fly!
3. Guide him to Trust His own decisions
Part of how to build confidence in children is – helping them be successful at decision making. This is very similar to building self-esteem in children.
You want your child to be confident that he can make his own decisions, and more, that he can make good decisions. So let him practice.
I’ve seen older teens who can’t make their own decisions without consulting with either their parents or their friends at every turn. Not good.
Trusting your own decision-making skills is something that needs to be developed over time. Encourage your children to make their own decisions about things in their lives. Smaller decisions for younger kids and larger ones the older they get.
And then when they’ve been successful in any way – complement the way they came to that decision on their own. A ‘huge’ confidence booster.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: How to Be More Confident in Your Parenting
4. Give Them Jobs
The pride I’ve seen in my kids’ eyes and voices when they’ve been acknowledged for making dinner or a fancy dessert or a delicious cake – it’s priceless!
My kids don’t necessarily love doing their laundry (anyone 11-years-old or older does their own laundry in my house) – but they’re proud that they know how.
When kids learn how to do useful things to help around the family and contribute – it gives them more than the usual feeling of success in a job well done.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: Why I Don’t Pay My Kids To Do Chores
5. Notice Where Their Fear Lies
Just the other day I was out with my 6-year-old son, watching him ride his bike and I noticed that when we got close to the park he wanted to turn around and go back towards our house.
After a while I figured out that he was wary of the little hill he would need to go down to get to the park, and that was scary for him.
So we watched another boy (who was younger than him) go past on his bike and down the hill. Then we brainstormed ideas for how he could go down.
I was patient, and eventually came up with the idea of making it into a race to see who would get there faster – him on his bike or me walking.
Bingo – that was the motivating factor and he did it! And then he did it again and again (until it became obvious that this was the whole afternoon instead of actually going into the park, LOL!)
☞ If you like this post, you will love: Positive Discipline: How to Get Mind Blowing Results
6. Encourage Him to Problem Solve
You know that feeling that comes when you realize that you solved a problem, and that this clever idea was yours? (see above, ha ha)
I’ve literally seen my own kids fight over whose idea it was that we loved. Who came up with the best solution. Everyone loves to be the one.
Encourage problem solving. It’s great for developing minds as well as for developing confidence.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: How to Raise Problem Solvers Using the Power of Magic Words
Here’s a quick video I shot for you to show you how I helped my 6-year-old problem solve – and let him come up with the solution all by himself.
7. Nurture Talents
Like we said, success breeds success. So if your child has a talent – singing, painting, hitting a ball out of the park - by all means help him to develop it! But don’t let him think it won’t still take hard work! Talent doesn’t dismiss anyone from hard work and practice. But it will help expedite the learning curve just a little bit and help your child feel the success that much faster.
8. Perfection is not the goal
Life is long and there’s many years to progress and grow. The point is to always be on the growing curve. Teach you kids that perfection is never the goal. It’s to always be striving and trying.
When I was a kid there was a saying that went ‘Practice makes progress.’ When my oldest son, Abe, was in 4th grade he corrected me one day and said: ‘Mommy my teacher says Practice makes progress.’ YES!!! I agree most wholeheartedly.
Practice Makes Progress.
Kids need to know that if they’re always so caught up on perfection, they’ll never get anywhere. But if they can be ok with a tiny bit of progress at a time – then they’ll get somewhere great. Because a lot of tiny bits of progress amounts to a lot of progress. Or to mangle an old saying, what is an ocean but a multitude of rain drops.
Find opportunities in your parenting to point out that the progress is the goal – not the perfection. If that’s what you value, that’s what they’ll value.
THE KEY FOR HOW TO BUILD CONFIDENCE IN CHILDREN (Content Upgrade)
In this content upgrade video you’ll learn the greatest secret to help you champion your kids to build incredible confidence. This one exercise is life-impacting and should be practiced daily by adults and children alike. (Yes, I too try to follow this advice daily.) If you set your child up with this one tip – it will guide him to lead his absolute best life possible.
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