Better Listening, More Cooperation
Are You Ready to Learn the Secrets that Will Turn Your Child into a Great Listener?
How to Talk so Kids Will Listen
The big question here is how to talk so kids WANT to listen – they don’t just listen cuz they have to – and they don’t ignore you either….
Have you ever been at the park and seen other parents who seem to just know how to inspire their kids to jump up and do their bidding? They not only have their kids’ full attention – their kids can’t wait to please them!
What are they doing? What’s the secret recipe?
Cuz, I mean wouldn’t it be nice if we could just always give our kids what they wanted, never have to ask them to do anything they didn’t want to do, and life could just be about having fun and going on trips?
Well…
Back to reality here. We all know that part of raising well balanced kids is teaching them to be respectful and to listen to their parents, which in turn translates to other authority figures in their lives.
But… how to?
Good question. Here’s your all-inclusive 21 point list that will help you talk so your kids WANT to listen to you – and if you manage really well - they’ll even LOVE to listen to you!
1.Watch the Intonation of Your Voice
“For crying out loud…” “How many times do I have to tell you…” “GET DOWN HERE NOW!”
Yep. The fine art of intonation. You don’t want to sound like a drill Sergeant. You don’t want to sound like a Policeman. You don’t even want to sound like a maniac… 😊
You’ve got to master the art of sounding nonchalant when you make a request. “Oh, hey, would you mind to run and bring me the chair from the other room. Thanks so much, appreciate it.” “Yeah, so I was thinking of going to…, would you mind to… That would be such a help.”
Nonchalant. Like you’re asking a friend to help you out with something. No big deal.
2. Look Her in the Eye
If you just call your requests out across the house… is anyone actually listening? Either she’s got her ear buds in, or he’s reading a book, or they’re ‘conveniently’ using selective hearing.
Just get up, walk across the house (no, not stomping because you’re angry after calling 10 times – just do it the first time) tap him on the shoulder, have him pull out the ear buds, and look him in the eye. With love (of course).
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3. Get On Your Child’s Side
The more you relate to what your child is going through, the more you show that you went through similar experiences and feel for them, the more you’ll have them listening to your challenges, experiences, stories and yes – you got it – advice.
Make your child feel like you are his biggest ally – the one who understands him the most and you’ll see he’ll look up to you for advice on life’s challenges.
4. Don’t Use Undermining Language
‘Just wait until your father gets home!’ Are you trying to say that you don’t have the power to deal with the situation yourself? The more that you use language that places you in a position of weakness, the more your children will sense weakness.
Empower yourself (in a good way)– and your children will feel that power and respect you for it.
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5. Don’t Tell Her What to do All Day Long
About how many times in a day do you ask your child to do something. 20 times maybe? Um… well maybe a bit more.
Try tracking – just for one day – the number of times you ask your child to do something. Just keep a running record all day long (checkmarks on a page in a notebook), you might be a little surprised.
‘Get up. Brush your teeth. Get dressed. Hurry up. Eat breakfast. Take your lunch. Put on a sweater. Do your homework. Eat your veggies. Practice piano. Take out the garbage.….’ You get the idea.
Most parents are totally unaware of how many times they ask their kids to do things. And I might add, that when you’re on the receiving end of never ending requests to do this and that… it can get quite tiresome.
You don’t want your kids to roll their eyes or sigh when you call out their name, thinking ‘Oh boy, what does she want this time’, so don’t constantly be asking them to do things. Direct them to their next task in a smarter way – otherwise you’ll just become white noise in the background and no one will be jumping to run and do your bidding when you ask.
For more about this topic check out my eBook, Cooperation Techniques: The Key to Good Behavior & Agreeable Kids Without Nagging or Negativity.
6. Speak in a Way That You’d Like to be Spoken To
I’m sure you’ve had the experience of someone giving you a piece of their mind, or asking you to do something, in a way that made you feel something along the lines of ‘The last thing I feel like doing right now is anything she wants me to do!’ Yep. Well, that’s not how you want your kids to feel when you ask them to do something.
Picture an interaction with someone who you really respect. How does she speak when she wants you to do her a favor? What words does she use, what intonation does she have? What kind of expression is on her face? Now try to replicate that when you talk to your kids. You do, after all, want to be someone that your kids really respect. Right?
I just love another important point that Avital at the Parenting Junkie points out in her post Why Kids Don’t Listen. Learn to Be Heard.
“When it comes to listening, how we say it matters too. If we bark an order, give it with criticism or judgement, or if we don’t take care with our phrasing, then the natural human response is to rebel. I think all people want to be cooperative if offered a choice, but when I bark orders, or demand my kids do something that is too challenging, or interrupt their focus and flow, they need to tune me out because they can’t handle my request!”
7. Communicate Clearly
Make sure your child knows exactly what you expect of him or her. “Clean up the kitchen.” Or “Please do the dishes and clean the counters, don’t worry about the table or the sweeping, your brother will do that.”
So often kids don’t know what their parents really want. They’re not mind readers. And remember, they’re young and not as experienced as we imagine. Something that might seem so obvious to me, might not be so obvious to an 11-year-old. If you want things done to your standards – communicate clearly and explicitly. (And then still don’t expect perfection.)
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8. Remember Who You Are Talking To
When you’re talking to your kids, keep in mind that you’re talking to someone you love, that you want to have a great relationship with, someone who you want to respect you, admire you, think highly of you. Someone who you really care about.
You want to come into any interaction with a positive upbeat tone, no sarcasm. Take out the chip on your shoulder. Take out the annoyance – even if you are annoyed. You can express feelings, but in a very loving and accepting way. “I’m feeling overwhelmed by all the mess here. Could you please pick up your things and help me clean up? Thanks buddy.” If you can’t say it without the annoyance – just wait a bit until you can.
9. Don’t Sound Like a Broken Record
‘Clean your room… Clean your room... Clean your room… Clean your room...’ Gosh do you like when someone talks to you like that? I’d just want to escape and run away. Well, your kids don’t feel any differently. If one way didn’t work, change your approach.
Want to know how to talk so your kids want to listen? Talk to your child like he’s a real person. Give sweet reminders, and don’t sound like a broken record.
10. Empathize
So often all we need is an empathetic ear, not someone to tell us what to do. Don’t you ever feel that way when you’ve had a hard day? Life as a kid can be tough. If you’ve got the ‘should have, could have, would have’ speech going on for your child, he’s going to lock up and walk the other way. Instead give him the listening empathetic ear. ‘Yep, that sounds really rough.’
Your child will naturally open up to you and share – when you empathize. And the more he opens up to talk to you, the more he’ll listen to what you have to say as well. Now you’re on the right track.
11. Be an Active Listener
Everyone just wants someone to hear them out at the end of a long, hard day and to just listen. Don’t give advice, or tell him he could have, should have etc., or tell him what to do next time. Just listen – really listen. Actively. Let her stories remind of times when you had a similar experience, and if the timing is ripe, share your stories too.
The more your kids feel like you’re listening, that you really care and can relate to what they’re going through, the more they’ll in turn be open to hearing your stories, your experience and your perspective.
This will carry over well when dealing with far more important matters in life than just getting homework and chores done.
An added point that Dr. Laura Markham makes in her article How to Get Your Child to Listen;
“If you stare at your screen while your child tells you about his day, you're role modeling how communication is handled in your family. If you really want your child to listen to you, stop what you're doing and listen. It only takes a few minutes. Start this when he's a preschooler and he'll still be willing to talk to you when he's a teenager. You'll be so glad you did.”
12. When You Say it – Mean it
If you just call out requests and repeat them every now and then, you don’t really sound like you’re expecting someone to listen. Not only that, but when you drop it all together when no one reacts – you’ve actually just taught your child that you don’t expect him to listen to you.
Take a minute before you talk and think. Do I want to ask my child to do this? ‘No? I’ll just do it myself.’ Or, ‘yes, I do want to make this request.’ Make your request with a tone that says that you meant it and with a belief that your child will do it. “Hey Jenny, I’ve got groceries in the trunk, come on and help me bring them in. Thanks.”
13. Consistency is Key
If today you’re really serious about bedtime but tomorrow it’s not such a big deal if they go to sleep late, or today you’ll let being late for curfew go but tomorrow you get hysterical – your kids won’t know what to expect from you.
They won’t know how to read you, they won’t know what’s really important to you. Be consistent. React in a big way to things that are really important. React in a small way for things that are not as significant. Set your priorities right in your own mind and then make sure that your reactions and interactions with your children are consistent with these priorities.
14. Be Confident in Your Parenting
As much as your kids give off the impression that they’d like to be running the ship – they actually need the security that they feel when you’re in charge. If you’re not sure about yourself, it’ll come out in the way you speak and in your mannerisms.
And that is NOT good.
Because as soon as your kids start to feel like you’re not sure, they’ll start pushing the boundaries like crazy to make you give in.
The more confident and clear you are, the more secure those kiddos will feel about your boundaries and the less likely they are to start trying to test them.
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15. Develop a Sixth Sense
You need to be able to sense when something is bothering your child and be able to talk it out. To broach the subject in a way that he’ll want to talk it out.
And especially to know when not to push him to do the next item on the list – when to just let things be.
As a parent you’ve got to develop these antennas that sense the air about your kids and a sixth sense to know what to do and what not to do – (like asking them to do their chores just then) when something is up.
16. Use cooperation techniques
Cooperation techniques are just that – techniques to get your kids to cooperate with you – whether keeping them away from something you don’t want them to do, like fighting with their siblings, or getting them to do something that you do want them to do, like getting homework or chores done, or simply getting into PJs.
Best part is – these techniques are meant to be a replacement for giving a direct order to your child, which adds to that negative side of the bank ledger.
You’d be surprised how many times you can circumvent a misbehavior or added negativity in your home simply by using a cooperation technique.
It gets them moving in a different direction, so you don't have the conflict or misbehavior, and you don’t need to spend all day telling your kids what to do next on their schedule.
Ready to learn some awesome tools that can completely turn around the atmosphere in your home? Get your copy of my eBook, Cooperation Techniques: The Key to Good Behavior & Agreeable Kids Without Nagging or Negativity.
17. Be Positive, Encouraging, Upbeat and Grateful
“Oh Josh, thanks so much for doing such a beautiful job on the kitchen last night. I know I can really rely on you. What chore have you got tonight? Folding laundry? Yeah, thanks.”
You make the atmosphere in your home. You bring out the smiles. You create the grateful energy. You make your kids feel appreciated.
I’ll bet they run to do those chores just to see your beaming smile and hear your encouraging and appreciating them.
P.S. Sometimes you don’t have much to appreciate, since they didn’t do their chores, homework or anything else you asked last time. But you can still find something to be grateful for, a way to encourage, and you can certainly always be positive and upbeat.
“Oh Josh, I can’t wait to see you jump out of bed and use all your unbelievable amounts of energy for getting things done. Just the thought of how much you can accomplish when you put your mind/talents to good use gives me a smile. Come on. Let’s see some of your awesome power at work.”
The key to how to talk so kids want to listen – is not always in the words that are said. It’s often in the energy that is imparted.
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18. Give the ‘Work First Then Have Fun’ Incentive
“Let’s get those chores done so we can go for that bike ride.” “Come on, hurry up with your homework so we can read the next chapter in our book already.”
Don’t you love to be rewarded for your hard work? Use the power of an incentive to motivate your kids to get their work done so they can move on to what they really enjoy doing.
If you can build this into their character – to do their work first and then (and only then) enjoy the fun – you are giving your kids a serious advantage in life.
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19. Put Out Your Hand
“Here, take my hand, come let’s go.” “Come on, let me help you.” Just put on that beautiful smile and lend a hand. Or put out a hand to get him up and moving.
It gives the impression that you know it’s hard to get going, but at the same time it shows that you mean it. “Let’s get going.” And always with a smile, of course!
20. Give Consequences
Real life is full of consequences. Lots of natural consequences. Kids need to learn the important lessons of what’s right from wrong before life teaches it to them in a harsher way. For this reason, it’s important to give our kids consequences, so they will learn right from wrong.
I just love how Marianne Neifert says it in her article Why Kids Need Rules “Trying to raise a responsible, cooperative child without age-appropriate boundaries is like trying to raise a goldfish outside its fishbowl. Far from squelching the spirit, rules are needed for kids to flourish.”
Objectively speaking - listening to a parent is right – ignoring a parent is wrong. Any child who doesn’t learn this from an early age is going to have anti-authority problems all through their lives. That’s why giving a consequence to a child who doesn’t listen to their parent is oh so important, even at a young age.
Of course, the way in which the consequence is given makes all the difference…
For a more in-depth understanding of consequences see my eBook: Understanding Discipline & Consequences: The Blueprint to Stopping Misbehavior In Its Tracks
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21. Do something. Don’t do nothing.
There will come a time when we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy
dumbledore, J.K Rowling
When your child misbehaves, doesn’t listen, ignores you, is disrespectful (yes these things happen to the best of us – you are not alone here)…
DO SOMETHING. DON’T DO NOTHING.
If you do nothing, you’ve just taught your child that nothing really happens when they make bad decisions. That it doesn’t matter.
That’s not the message you want him to hear.
Our actions do matter. Our behavior does matter. And you love your child so much that you want him to pick himself up and do better. We all have weaknesses, we all make mistakes. But your kids need to know that you believe in them, you believe in their inner strength to choose what’s right.
As Dumbledore (the wise) once said “There will come a time when we must all face the choice between what is right and what is easy.” (In my humble opinion, it was worth it to sit through all those 7 books and all those 8 movies just to come out with this quote – to have it to inspire my kids when they need it most. – thank you J.K. Rowling).
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22. Have an Awesome Relationship with Your Kids
The more awesome this relationship, the more your kids want to please you, to impress you, to do whatever will make you happy with them. This is the key to any relationship – especially with your kids.
You know the kind of relationship where you can’t wait to spend time with someone. You’re counting the minutes until you get alone time with them, you want to make them happy and impressed with you.
Can you make your relationship with each of your kids this awesome? Cuz if you can, you won’t be asking - how to talk so kids want to listen - your kids will do even the things they don’t want to do – just to make you happy.
Because they love you. Because they want to please you. This is the KEY!
Whichever way you decide to go about teaching this most important life lesson to your kids, make sure they hear it loud and clear. And make sure you give it with a lot of love.
If you need support in learning how to talk so kids want to listen or properly setting boundaries and being consistent, and how to give these oh so important life messages the right way – and with love – I’m here for you, feel free to reach out.
Remember you are the parent. You are the guide. You have the power to talk in a way that inspires your child to WANT to listen not only to you, but eventually to that voice in his head that will lead him to do what’s right in all of his endeavors in life.
Ready to Learn the secrets to turn your Kids into great listeners? Can you imagine Them jumping up to run the first time you ask?
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