Teenage Communication: How to Get your teen to open up to you
You feel like sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to get your teen to open up and talk to you. Tell you about their life, their feelings, opinions, about decisions they need to make.
And then finally it happens…. the teenage communication you’ve been waiting for!
They open up and talk…. and talk…. and tell you things.
And then….
You mess it up!
You say the wrong thing, imply the wrong thing, and end up with a door slammed in your face.
OUCH!!!
Just yesterday I saw this play out in my own family. Funny thing, though, I wasn’t the parent in the story, I was the child. :)
I just redid my website and switched over from Wordpress to Squarespace. I’ve literally been working on this transition for weeks and I’m sooooo excited about it!
So I sent an email to my parents telling them that I went live and that I couldn’t wait for their feedback. I was literally dying to hear them say how nice it looks and how impressed they are with my website building talents! Sounds funny, I know, but I guess everyone wants to hear nice feedback from their mommy and daddy!
My mom called me last night, and after a few minutes of small chat I asked her if she’d looked at my site yet. She said she hadn’t yet, and as we spoke she opened up the site and started to scroll…. as I held my breathe.
Here come the compliments, I thought, just wait for it….
BOOM!
They started to rain down on me. No. Not the compliments - the criticism.
Point number 1 and 2 and 3, and all the things that could look better, spacing, wording, colors.
Let down. I mean major let down (and not the nursing kind. Ha ha, mom joke.)
I actually exploded at my mom. ‘Why can’t you find the good in the site? Why only criticism? Why did you look at the one page that wasn’t perfect? What about all the other pages? I worked so hard and all you can say is….’ You get the picture.
I’m actually embarrassed to tell this story, cuz it’s just ridiculous. I mean, my mother loved the site, she was just trying to give me constructive criticism so I could make it better, and that’s what I really wanted from her! I did!
BUT.
I first wanted to hear how much she loved the site. How I must have worked so hard… basically I wanted her compliments and approval.
When I finally came to my senses, had a little laugh at myself, and apologized to my mom - an incredible realization hit me. This is the exact story that plays out when I’m the parent and my own kids open up to me - and I just want to ‘help’ them out by giving constructive criticism.
Funny how perspective can be so sobering at times, no?
How not to mess it up when your child finally opens up to you?
Pic of me and my mom. We’re actually best of friends! :)
1. Pay attention to what they really want
My parents were busy for the last few days with their own issues, computer acting up, bad weather, upset stomach. You know, life.
I just wanted them to notice my hard work, take interest. I wanted my work to be important to them.
When your kid is trying to show you something, take notice and be truly interested.
2. Show your approval
Yes I wanted to hear the criticism, trust me I did - (You can give me your feedback about my new site too!) but I wanted to hear their approval first.
Even if your child is looking for constructive criticism (read: teenage daughter wanting to know how she looks) - start out with a compliment, some sort of approval or appreciation for hard work.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: Positive Discipline: How to Get Mind Blowing Results
3. Connection before correction
Before you correct your kids, connect with them. Make them feel like you get them, you’ve been in their place before, you feel their struggle.
And only then can you begin to correct, with love. The more you connect and relate, the more chance your child will be able to accept your criticism and rebuke, cuz they know you’re on their side and that you love them.
4. Ask it like a question
Here’s a great teenage communication tactic: don’t give the criticism directly. Ask it in the form of a question.
‘I was thinking, what if you…. what do you think?’
‘I’m not sure, how about if you…. would that work?’
You’re not coming across as the know-it-all. You’re not implying that they did something wrong. You’re not getting their back up.
How about if your just ask a question…. Right?
☞ If you like this post, you will love: How to Talk So Your Kids LOVE to Listen
Together with 4 out of my 5 teens on an outing to the beach! (My little kids are in the background)
THE END OF MY STORY
You know this whole story is pretty funny, considering I’m 41 years old and a mother to 8 kids. I mean I have a 19-year-old son for crying out loud!
Why do I need my mommy and daddy to give me compliments and appreciate my hard work before they criticize me?
Because it’s human nature. Everyone needs approval, appreciation, a listening ear. Someone who understands you.
And even though I’m 41-years-old I still need it too!
☞ If you like this post, you will love: How to Create a Safe Haven for Telling the Truth
KEY TAKEAWAY:
Don’t expect your teen, no matter the age, to be able to handle your criticism before you connect, relate and compliment. It’s part of human nature to need appreciation even when you’re all grown up, all the more so when they’re just teens.
How do you keep your teenage communication positive when your teen opens up to you? Any tricks to share?
P.S. How do you like the new site? :)
