Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It
Why Kids Lie and What You Can Do to Stop It!
My son had just returned to Kindergarten after March break only a few days before when I ran into his teacher at the supermarket.
‘Oh, how are you managing?’ she asked me with deep concern in her voice.
‘Uh… fine.’ I responded not understanding the reason for her concern.
‘Oh, Abe told me all about the Racoon.’ She explained.
‘Oh – right, well it was a little scary but no big deal.’
One evening my son had cried out from his bed. I ran to his side and he told me that ‘the racoon is looking at me’. I peered out the window and saw that the was indeed a racoon perched upon a branch leaning up against my son’s window. Solution – we had the branch cut down. Little scary for him. But no big deal.
‘Oh you don’t have to downplay it for me! Then the skunk came in through the window and sprayed up your whole house and you had to stay in a hotel for the whole week while you had the house cleaned! What an ordeal!!!’
‘What?’ was all I could respond before the bursting into laughter…
It turned out that my son had returned to school after the break and his teacher had asked everyone to describe their vacation. He watched all his friends talk about their incredible travels to New York to see grandparents, to Disneyworld to see Mickey Mouse and even to Costa Rica to vacation at the beach!
And what did he have to tell? I had just had a baby and we mostly just cuddled up on the couch to read stories. He had nothing exciting to report to his classmates…. so he embellished his racoon story!
The teacher and I sure had a good laugh!!!
Reasons Why Kids Lie
1. To Seem Cool or To Impress Others
My son, even though he was only 5 years old at the time, couldn’t imagine telling the whole class that he hadn’t done much of anything for March break. My son really wanted to impress all of his friends – and even his teacher!
Kids of all ages are desperate to sound cool and impress to other kids and even to the adults around them – cuz they want to sound important!
2. To Avoid Consequences
No one likes a consequence – child or adult alike, can we agree on that? You get to your lunch date 15 minutes late and instead of just saying ‘I’m terribly late, so sorry’ – we might want to overexaggerate the traffic cuz we fear the wrath of our lunch date!
Same with kids. They don’t want you to chew them out for being late, not handing in their assignment on time or failing to get their chores done!
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3. To Avoid Embarrassment
Did it ever happen to you that you completely forgot about something that was important? Yep, me too. Slept through it, went to the gym instead, or was busy talking to a friend on the phone.
And then you get the call – ‘Where on earth were you?’
Oops!!!
That’s when you’re ready to come up with any excuse you can simply because you’re…. embarrassed! Well kids get this way too. Embarrassed to tell the real reason so them come up with a fib, or even a real whopper to cover it up!
Make a pact with yourself and your partner that when your child comes to you with something that’s difficult for him to share, show a listening, caring and truly compassionate ear.
4. To Avoid Disappointing You
Your kids look up to you and they desperately want to impress you. But what if they’ve done something that will really disappoint you. What if their heart aches from just thinking about the disappointment on your face or in your voice?
They just might want to twist the truth in any way they can to avoid having to tell you that thing that will seriously disappoint you.
5. To Get a Rise Out of You
Sometimes your kid (often a tween or teen) is angry at you. You might have reinforced a boundary or said no to something they wanted and now they’re plain mad.
Telling lie just might be what they resort to just to get a rise out of you – to get back at you or to get even.
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6. Low Impulse Control
Some kids have better impulse control than others, it’s true. I have a few kids with ADHD, for example, and their impulse control is often not where I’d like it to be.
One of my ADHD kids has a hard time controlling her anger and another one is more prone to lying. It’s almost like second nature.
‘Did you do your homework?’ ‘Yes.’
‘Chores done?’ ‘Yes.’
Has she actually done them? No.
7. Just for Kicks
Juliette Guilbert tells the story, in her article Why Kids Lie – Age by Age, that her daughter had told her nonchalantly one day ‘Daddy puts your bra on sometimes.’
‘Excuse me? When?’
‘When you’re asleep.’
She goes on to describe how convincing her daughter was so much so that she actually asked her husband! (It wasn’t true.)
Sometimes kids are bored and they just love to see the reaction they can get…
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8. Their Imagination has Taken Over
Kids have incredible imaginations and often, especially in young kids, that line that separates between imaginary and reality can get blurred.
I know that when my youngest kids went through their first experience with Harry Potter they were struggling to understand what was real and what wasn’t.
I think the story with my son and his post March break story was partially to sound cool in his friends eyes and partially because he has a very vivid imagination!
9. To Test Out a New Behavior
Beth Arky quotes Dr. Matthew Rouse in her article Why Kids Lie and What to Do About It, saying “one reason children lie is because they’ve discovered this novel idea and are trying it out, just as they do with most kinds of behaviors, to see what happens. They’ll wonder – what happens if I life about this situation? What will it do for me? What does it get me out of? What does it get me?”
Kids will hit this stage at different ages and some will want to test the waters more than others. Telling stories about the importance of being honest and telling the truth are the best way to drive this value deep down into their subconscious mind at this age.
Best stories are straight from the heart or about family members. Picture books are also a great options. Here’s a book list for you of books that will encourage telling the truth for preschool age kids.
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10. They’re Afraid to Tell the Truth
This is the one that I want to concentrate on the most in this article – because you can change this very quickly if this is the case.
If your son comes home late and he knows you’re going to get angry…
Make sure that your kids always equate telling the truth with BRAVERY!
Cuz that’s truly what it is!
‘David fell and was gushing with blood, so I had to help him!’
If your daughter brings home a really bad report card and she knows you’re going to flip out…
‘The teacher has it in for me! She takes sides only with the kids that she likes – it’s not my fault!’
If you kids are running around in the kitchen and a bowl falls off the counter and breaks and they know you’ll scream at them…
‘The cat jumped up on the counter – we saw him!’
Think about it. Are your kids afraid to tell you the truth? Are they afraid of the lectures, the pointed fingers, the consequences?
Parenting is often tricky. You want to make clear boundaries and not let your kids walk all over you, but you’ve got to maintain that close connection and allow your kids to feel safe to make mistakes and tell you things that you won’t be proud of.
Otherwise how will you be able to help them through the ups and downs of growing up and messing up every now and then?
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Make a pact with yourself and your parenting partner that when your child comes to you with something that’s difficult for him to share, show a listening, caring and truly compassionate ear.
‘I’m glad that you told me about this.’ Or ‘I can see that this is a hard thing for you to share.’
And if she fesses up to a truth that she would have rather lied about – compliment her.
‘I’m proud of you that you told me the truth. That was a brave thing to do.’
Make sure that your kids always equate telling the truth with BRAVERY!
Cuz that’s truly what it is!
