Natural Consequences: The How, What & When
The blood was running down his legs. His knees were split open. Not a pretty sight indeed, let me tell you.
There he was standing waiting for me to pull up and park. He got in and didn’t say a word. Not a single word.
And you know what? Neither did I. I actually managed to hold back the ‘I told you so’ speech urge and I stayed perfectly quiet.
Had I told him this was going to happen? Oh yes. Had I repeated myself (more than a few times) that the hill was too steep and that he fall and hurt his knees? I sure did.
But my darling 11-year-old (you know, the need-to-show-off-that-I-know-better type of child) guaranteed me that the hill was just perfectly manageable.
Well…. it wasn’t.
My dare devil child learned a lesson that day – that sometimes caution is actually a wise thing! (In my opinion a very important lesson for every risk seeking 11-year-old!)And you know the best part about it? I didn’t need to do anything. Not a single thing. I just had to sit back and bite my tongue. (Which wasn’t easy let’s just say when I just wanted to say I told you so!!! But I guess that’s all part of a parent’s personal development! )
What is a Natural Consequence?
A natural consequence is when a consequence occurs naturally without the interference of the parent.
Read: you do nothing, it will happen on its own.
It’s so important for our children to experience natural consequences in life. As much as we want to protect our children from feeling pain or hurt, natural consequences prepare them for the real world.
The more natural the consequence the better because the more real it seems to them and less enforced by you.
A natural consequence is something that happens naturally to the child because of their actions – meaning when mom didn’t jump in to save the day.
Example: Kid was cold because he didn’t bring a sweater
Example: Kid got detention for being late to school too many times.
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It’s important as a child gets older into the early and later teens to allow them to experience more natural consequences, because kids learn much faster from their own real-life experiences and mistakes than by mom telling them – ‘you better not…’
Better they should learn a few good lessons while they are young, and the consequences of their actions are not so great.
Children develop resilience and capability from experiencing the natural consequences of their choices.
As parents have such a hard time watching our kids go through natural consequences because we don’t want to see our kids suffer!
But sometimes much better than nagging or warning over and over not to do something and getting into power struggles – it’s much better to just allow them to suffer a natural consequence.
The truth is you should rejoice when your child has a natural consequence! They are learning an important life lesson in the real world – one they’ll have under their belt for life!
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Personal Story: The time my son squandered $1,000 of his own money and how I was thrilled about!
A few years back my son spent the summer between 9th and 10th grade working for an AC company. He was supposed to just be an extra hand, but he ended up learning a lot and they gave him a raise the second month and a bonus.
He was thrilled! Spending money!!!
He asked me to hold onto $1000 for him so he wouldn’t spend it and the rest he decided to keep with him for spending money.
September came and he went back to school – he was dorming out town (in the same city where my parents live). A few months into the year I went to visit for the week.
Right way upon my arrival my son asked me to please give him the $1000 that he had put in my keeping.
My parents overheard the conversation and my mother turned to me very clearly:
“No, don’t give him the money! He’s going to squander it and spend it all!”
I’ll spare you the details but there was certainly a difference of opinion between what my son wanted and what my mother thought was right.
What did I decide to do? I gave him his $1,000 in full!
Firstly I didn’t want to break his trust. I had promised to keep his money for him and return it when he wanted it and I felt it important to keep my word.
But that’s not the point that I want to make here.
I returned the money – and you know what happened? (I’m sure you can guess by now!)
He squandered it! It was all gone within a few months. My mother was right. (Yes, she let me know it - LOL!)
But you know what? I was thrilled!!!
My son just learned one of the most important lessons a person needs to learn in life when it comes to money: when you don’t save it and you overspend – it’s gone!
This is something that grown mature people often have to learn the hard way when they are much older than 15 and with much larger sums than $1000!
I know someone personally who received a huge sum of money from an insurance claim and it was all gone within a year.
I know someone else who inherited half a million dollars and it was gone within 3 years.
Knowing how quickly money can fall through our fingers is a really important lesson. And my son learned it at 15 years old and it only cost $1K.
Today, he’s 19 and he’s super careful with what he spends, he has a savings account and he’s very responsible with his earnings.
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Why are Natural Consequences So Hard?
Parents have such a hard time watching their kids go through natural consequences because we don’t want to see our kids suffer!
But sometimes much better than nagging or warning over and over not to do something and getting into power struggles – it’s much better to just allow them to suffer a natural consequence. The truth is you should rejoice when your child has a natural consequence! They are learning an important life lesson in the real world – one they’ll have under their belt for life.
The older the child, the more you need to use your wisdom to guide and influence but allow them to make more decisions on their own, and therefore possibly suffer the (natural) consequences of their actions. You can share your concerns about their actions in advance and mention what their outcome might be – but don’t nag.
Natural consequences are so good for our kids – to learn real life lessons – but they’re so hard for us as parents to watch our children go through. (Remember my mother was beside herself that her grandson would not have this savings for his future?)
I challenge you to start looking at natural consequences for their incredible benefits - for the value that these life lessons will provide your kids – and then it won’t be so hard to see your kids work through them.
For a more in-depth understanding of consequences see my eBook: Understanding Discipline & Consequences: The Blueprint to Stopping Misbehavior In Its Tracks
