Why don’t my kids listen to me - like ever?
Why don’t my kids listen to me?
I mean most parents generally love their kids and only want the best for them, so wouldn’t any parenting techniques therefore work?
Right?
Wrong.
When I was a younger mother I set out with only the best of intentions to raise a family on the basis of love and positivity – only the best for my family!
However, fast forward 7 years and 4 kids later…
It. Was. A. Disaster.
My kids walked all over me, I had no idea how to control them.
There was one mess after the other going on all the time and I was exhausted. Emotionally and physically.
Visit About Me to hear to hear more about my parenting story.
But that all changed when I at last wizened up and took charge of my parenting in a strategic, thought-out way. No more just taking a deep breath and winging it.
So today we explore the top 27 reasons why my kids didn’t listen to me.
Based on close to two decades of parenting my own 8 kids and hundreds of interviews with parents all over the world, these insights have proven to be enormously helpful and lifesaving.
No judging here. These are literally all the things I was doing wrong….
Why don’t my kids listen?
1. YOU’RE REACTIVE INSTEAD OF PROACTIVE.
Life is busy. It’s hard to think ahead about everything. But when you don’t plan ahead, you’re only action is to react.
You know that the kids are going to fight in the car, they do it every day. You know your daughter’s going to make a fight about doing homework, she does it every day. You know your toddler’s going to make a mess in the kitchen when you’re not looking, it happens all the time.
Being proactive means thinking of ways to set things up so they won’t happen that way again, or brainstorming so you’ll know how to react next time.
Thinking ahead, because you know what’s coming.
2. YOU DON’T WANT TO ROCK THE BOAT.
You want your kids to love you, consider you the best parent in the whole world, you want them to feel like they can tell you anything, so you think to yourself “I don’t want to rock the boat.”
That translates into not stepping up to the plate to do hard things, like setting boundaries, giving consequences, telling them things that they don’t want to hear and saying no sometimes.
Being a parent means doing hard things sometimes… especially if you don’t want to deal with harder things down the line.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: Positive Discipline: How to Get Mind Blowing Results
3. YOU’VE GOT TOO MANY COMMANDS FLYING AT THEM.
Don’t you often feel like you’re just telling your kids what to do all day long?
‘Get dressed.’ ‘Do your homework.’ ‘Put away your laundry.’ ‘Do your chores.’
Feels like a never-ending list of things you need your kids to do. The problem is the kids are going to start feeling like ‘oh, no, what does she want now’ when you come around, and that’s not the kind of relationship you want to have.
You’ve got to cut out all the commands/demands and find some better ways of getting your kids willingly dancing to your beat. You’ll find the solution to this problem specifically in my eBook Cooperation Techniques: The Key to Good Behavior & Agreeable Kids Without Nagging or Negativity
4. YOU’RE NOT EMPATHIZING ENOUGH.
Life is tough sometimes, even for kids. When your kids come home lamenting their day, they need a healthy dose of empathy.
The last thing I need to hear when I’ve had a hard day is what to do, how I could have done it better or what I should do better next time.
They just want you to say “Oh, that must have been sooooo hard! I know how you feel.”
If you’re not doing this, then your child is most likely not feeling like you’re on his side – and being on his side is your key to having a great relationship.
5. YOUR BOUNDARIES AREN’T CLEAR CUT AND STRONG.
Kids need boundaries. They give kids clear lines as to what is right and what is not.
When kids have boundaries, they can push up against those boundaries, and when they find they won’t move, they feel safe.
It’s reassuring to them, that this must be right. But when there’s a lack of clarity, a lack of boundaries, a lack of consistency, you may end up with a kid who lacks any self-control.
6. YOUR CHILD CAN DO NO WRONG.
Are you one of the many parents who doesn’t want to hear anything negative about his child? His teacher has some constructive criticism and you’re quick to defend your child and explain that really these faults are misperceived.
Or your neighbor has a complaint about your child’s behavior and you go into protective mode?
The truth can hurt, but when we listen with an open ear we stand to learn a lot, a lot that can only help your child in the long run.
7. YOU DON’T GIVE ENOUGH WEIGHT TO THE LAWS OF NATURE.
Sleep. Food. Exercise.
The Laws of Nature.
Before you’re quick to punish or put your kid on Ritalin for wild and uncontrollable behavior, think: are they getting enough Sleep, Healthy Food (without too much sugar, food coloring and MSG) and Exercise.
The culture today breeds kids who are inactive, eating too much junk and often staying up too late. It’s so hard to go against the grain, (trust me I know) but if you want to have a manageable kid both in school and at home you need to consider the laws of nature.
If you’re not, well, what can I say, you’re going against how nature was set up to be.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: How to Raise Problem Solvers Using the Power of Magic Words
8. YOU ARE MENTIONING THE WRONG THINGS.
Whatever you mention you strengthen. That means that if you mention that your daughter has been so helpful, then you’ve just strengthened that she’s going to be more helpful.
However, if you go around mentioning what your kids are doing that they shouldn’t be, well then, you’ve just strengthened that.
“Stop being so lazy!” “Look what a mess you live in!” “You can’t ever seem to be on time!”
This is going to produce lazy, messy and tardy kids.
9. YOU’RE RAISING THE CHILD YOU WANT TO HAVE, NOT THE ONE YOU HAVE.
We all have dreams for our kids, as we have expectations of how they’ll behave and who they’ll become.
But oftentimes our kids turn that dream upside down, and we’ve got to learn how to raise this child who stands before us to become who he or she truly is, not who we in our idealized fantasy dreamed that he/she would be.
10. COMMUNICATION SKILLS ARE KEY.
If you haven’t learned the right communication skills you’re missing out on a key factor in getting your kids marching to your positive family beat.
No matter how much you know or can teach your kids, or how well your intentions are – if you don’t know how to communicate in a way that your kids will take it all in – you’re not going to get very far.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: How to Talk So Your Kids LOVE to Listen
11. YOU WORSHIP YOUR KIDS.
Parents love their children, want the best for them and just want to make them happy. Keep in mind that kids need love, but don’t need to be worshiped. By making kids the center of any decision, it makes kids a bit spoiled. Have a God-centered home, a community-centered home, a greater family-centered home, a kind home, a thoughtful home – not every decision and moment needs to be centered around the kids. (Puleeze)
12. THE MESSAGE THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH IS OUT OF ALIGNMENT WITH THE ONE THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR CORE BEING.
Whoever you truly are on the inside is what comes out in some way or other to the outside. You might be able to trick someone you meet for a short while, but certainly not your kids who see you day in and day out.
They know the real you. Who you are at your core. If you want to teach your kids to live differently than who you are at the core level, you need to change yourself at the core level.
There’s no other way. Kids don’t work with “Do as I say, not as I do.”
☞ If you like this post, you will love: 10 Personal Development Tips for Parents
13. YOU’RE LACKING CONFIDENCE.
Every ship needs a captain and in your home, that would be you…. not your child even though he thinks it should be.
Everyone looks to the captain to run the ship and they respect him and his decisions. As you are the captain of your family’s ship, you need to run things in a confident way, so everyone in your home will look to you as the leader and respect the way you run things.
Otherwise, well like I said, the kids really think they should be running things…
☞ If you like this post, you will love: How to Be More Confident in Your Parenting
14. YOU’RE NOT LOOKING AT YOUR CHILD WITH PINK TINTED GLASSES.
We don’t always like every personality trait that our kids are born with or develop. The question is, how do you deal with it? Are you annoyed with her basically every day? Or do you see the positive side of every trait?
He’s bossy? “He’ll be a leader.”
She’s pushy? “She’s persistent.”
If you’re not seeing the positive, your child will pick up on your ill feelings, and that won’t be good for anyone… least of all for that child.
15. YOU’RE AFRAID TO DISCIPLINE.
That word is scary. The concept is scary. You think it’s the opposite of positive parenting.
But kids will be kids and if you just let your child run wild the situation can get out of hand.
Discipline doesn’t have to be bad. When done well, it’s simply done out of love from a loving parent who wants to guide their child to learn right from wrong.
Remember it’s easier to help a troubled child than to repair a broken adult.
For a more in-depth understanding of using discipline withing positive parenting and how to use consequences see my eBook: Understanding Discipline & Consequences: The Blueprint to Stopping Misbehavior In Its Tracks
16. YOU UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF YOUR PRESENCE.
More than any other gifts, your child wants you. In the skin and flesh.
You personally - totally focused on them. Parents have got a lot going on in today’s world and it’s hard to come up with that individual, uninterrupted time when you can really focus on your child.
But being truly present is the key factor to getting your child attached to you, that he’ll want to spend time with you, take your advice, and turn to you to guide him in life.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: How to Discipline a Child with ADHD and ODD
17. YOU FAIL TO PLAN AND THEREFORE YOU PLAN TO FAIL.
Often we get so wrapped up in a whirlwind of the day’s activities and busyness that we don’t really take time out to make a plan.
If you were running a large corporation, you wouldn’t wing it every day. You’d have long-term goals, broken into short term goals, specific tools and frequent strategic planning sessions.
Too often people don’t look at their family life and ultimate goals in those terms, and so they fail to plan, and then…
18. YOU’RE NOT CONSISTENT.
One day you don’t allow playing games on your cell phone, the next you do. One day bedtime is at 7, then next at 8:30. Kids are getting mixed messages here and those are very hard to discern for these little people.
And that’s when you’re going to see kids who just keep pressing your buttons until they get what they want (being impossible!!) because they know that you’ve given in before, and that the rules aren’t very solidified.
You’re what is called ‘your own worst enemy’.
Consistency is key. I know it’s hard. Trust me, I know.
19. YOU’RE NOT SURE HOW TO EMPOWER YOUR OWN REACTIONS.
Let’s face it, our kids can oftentimes drive us just about crazy and if we let our emotions get the better of us… well, you know the explosions that can happen.
Having a pocketful of tools to help you empower yourself – to know how to react, what to think, how to plan ahead, how to be the adult – is such a life saver.
Every parent wants to react in a way that empowers their child, in a way that they’re setting a good example for their kids.
No one wants that guilty feeling… or the consequences.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: I Had a Bad Day Today - How to Stay Calm with the Kids
20. YOU’RE NOT CONNECTING WITH YOUR CHILD.
Kids who feel a strong connection to their parents have a much stronger desire to develop an amazing relationship, and therefore want to please them.
Life gets so busy, but are you taking the time out to sit one on one, to look deep into your child’s eyes, to really hear them out and hear about what’s going on in their life?
If you want to have a long-term strong relationship with your child it starts when they are young, with strong daily connecting time.
21. YOU’RE SLEEP DEPRIVED.
Isn’t this the struggle of every parent? From the moment they’re born, it’s always a race against the clock for getting enough sleep. You and I both know that sometimes you lose cuz… you’re just tired.
But even once you’ve figured out how to get the baby to sleep, sometimes it’s harder to get yourself to sleep.
Kids are challenging, and you’ve got to have your wits about you. You’ve got to do whatever it takes to get those well needed zzzs at night, so you’ll be able to keep your cool and think straight all day with those little guys.
22. YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO, SO YOU DO NOTHING.
And when you do nothing, nothing changes. The mischief repeats itself, the disrespect increases itself, and you’re at a loss of what to do. So again, you do nothing.
I know what that’s like. If you continue this way, it will continue this way… and it doesn’t get easier when they get older…
23. YOU SPOIL YOUR KIDS.
Too many things. That’s it. Kids have too many things in today’s day and age. It used to be that there was a big gap between the affluent and the rest of the world, but today with buying on credit, the sky is the limit and most kids have too much stuff.
Spending time with your child or holding your baby doesn’t spoil your child. Giving him to many things does.
Too much clothing, too many ‘fad’ clothes, too many treats, too many trips and too many toys. We love our kids like crazy, so we want them to be happy, but spoiling them is not doing them a service. Cuz ‘always looking for more’ does not a happy person make.
24. YOU DON’T LET YOUR CHILD EXPERIENCE NATURAL CONSEQUENCES.
Parents want to protect their kids from the harshness of the world. Make life fun, exciting, even magical. But there are a lot of important lessons that need to be learned along the road in real life.
If you try to a cover up life’s bumps and harsh realities, and try to make everything rosy all the time, your kid’s in for some tough times ahead. I’m not suggesting that every time your child leaves his lunch at home you should let him go hungry.
But, maybe consider it once in a while. There are a lot of lessons to learn… money, friendships, responsibility. If you never let your kid learn what he needs to learn to live in the real world out there, he will be forced to learn those lessons when he’s older, when there’s a lot more on the line than just a peanut butter sandwich.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: Natural Consequences: The How, What & When
25. YOU USE MINIMIZING LANGUAGE.
Threats, yelling, over negotiating, rescuing and insecure facial expressions, just to name a few. You’re not sure how to get your kids to listen, you feel threatened and you end up saying things that actually minimize your power as a parent.
You don’t want to minimize your power, you want to look the part. Time to look at yourself not as you think you appear, the all-conquering hero, but as your children actually see you.
Remember, they see through your masks. So make sure your voice and true character match.
26. YOU DON’T PUT INTENTION INTO BEING A ROLE MODEL.
Many parents don’t really put thought or intention into being a role model – which is what you are – a role model, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.
That means that these cute little people are watching your every move. How you get up in the morning, what you wear, how you talk to other people, what you do when you are upset or angry, how you answer the lady on the 800 number call, how you deal with adversity and people you don’t like.
Are you cognizant of their little eyes? Do you make the extra effort to set the right example?
☞ If you like this post, you will love: 10 Personal Development Tips for Parents
27. YOU DON’T TREAT YOURSELF OFTEN ENOUGH.
Last but not least is you yourself. Are you treating yourself to nights out, to a day off, to a special meal cooked by some yummy chef. To a walk in the woods? Are you finding active way to rejuvenate yourself?
You have the power to put yourself into a perfect mood that your family will appreciate. You deserve it - for being such a dedicated and loving parent. After all, your life did not cease the moment you become a mother or father. You still have your wants and desires.
Most importantly, how are you to be an ideal role model for your children if you don’t teach them how to enjoy life, how to reward themselves for excellent work? How there is treasure to be found in doing your best for others? The reward is in the doing itself, of course, but a little cream on top goes a long way to soothing the pains and struggles we all face.
☞ If you like this post, you will love: Mom Burnout to Glorious Triumphant Vitality: A How To
why don’t my kids listen to me?
Over the years I have made all of these mistakes and I’ve learned the hard way, so if you can relate then I’m feeling for you.
If you have been reading this article and heard yourself saying, ‘I know, I know,' then I know exactly how you feel cuz trust me, I’ve been there!
How can I help?
I have literally been in your shoes and I would love to share the solutions that I’ve found that have helped me with my own kids.
Here’s a few resources for you:
My eBook, Understanding Discipline & Consequences is a great resource to help stop misbehavior in its tracks.
My eBook, Why Kids Lie is a great resource if you’re dealing with dishonesty and you’re looking for solutions.
My eBook, Cooperation Techniques has some awesome tools that can completely turn around the atmosphere in your home & get your kids listening.
My Free Parenting Classes: Effective Parenting Communication as well as Better Listening, More Cooperation will help get your kids to LOVE listening to you.
My parenting course: Confident Kids will help give your home a total REVAMP with all the above tools and many more.
Or maybe you just need someone-on-one Parent Coaching time? Book a free 15-min consult here - looking forward to connecting!
Which of the above 27 mistakes are you making? (I’ve already admitted to making all 27 of them so come on, you can share one or two!)
